A Poem

I wanted to write a poem
On wildness today.

Yet, I find penning the reasons
Why I am bound.
I tied myself up for you
My friend and enemy
I tied myself up for you…
I tied up thinking
You will like me better.
I tied up thinking
The hatred in your eyes would wane.
I tied up thinking,
Oh, I am tired…
Tired of wildness, tired of myself.
Tied of the threat I seemed to always pose
For you…


Now when I untie myself..
Again for you
I see your face.
Mocking me, playing with me,
Never, loving me…

Two Friends

You were the wild one,
Me, the wall flower.

You had colour,
Me, stability.

You were manipulative,
Me, cold and prudish.

You had razor-sharp honesty,
Me, confusion and patience.

You came from a place
Where birthday parties would be celebrated
With cakes brought on mortgages

Me, from another planet,
Where weak, old hands searched for a single grain
To save and hoard.

Conquests of the Mind

We play games of conquest
We conquer minds
For some short while
We need to fill ourselves within others
Or, else we fear,
We do not exist.

The game includes short scraps of accusations and insights
Left carelessly in another’s mind
But, both understand the absolute planning
that goes into that appearance of nonchalance.

We are afraid
Of emptiness
That fills our mailboxes
That fills our mornings
Our sleepless nights
And our generally meaningless existences
We have to fill it desperately
With thoughts, words, our selves…

The clash of histories

The clash of histories
In your deliberate ignoring glances
Where another one has been
Installed with the same gestures
that was reserved for me two days ago
I remain quite, and give up
For, you say that I fear failure.
Well...if one fails, there is no need to fear it anymore
And, I do, precisely that.

Hard, Rocky City

This deccan city
Is hard, rocky,
She felt she could melt the hard volcanic rocks
With her effusive emotions
But, hit the bottom
With a loud thud
Of rejection.

Decision

I have decieded,
Never to give love,
Then..
I do not complain
To myself,
Of never getting love.

Divorce

Since my love was never enough for you
My time was demanded as compensation.

Since my self was always lacking for you
My life was demanded as payment.

Since my life looked out of control
Ropes were bound around homes and hearts.

Now, when I bid adieu,
I am panicking about what to do with my own time

Now when I shut the door behind me
I forget the existence of my own life.

Now, when I learn to walk alone
I see my own feet bound and helpless.

Envy

I had cursed you...
I had cursed that golden evening light
That fell on your joy of being together.
I had cursed
That look of love that crossed your starry eyes
When he came as a night visitor.

Waiting in the lonely darkness
of the security gaurd's room,
I saw you both drifting past
Unaware of me, unaware of the world,
Unaware of my curse.

Exiled by your joys to my faraway homeland,
I watched the monsoon rains splash
Into my heart,
Searing those open wounds.

I could see the distant earthquake
rock my little world with
just a single kiss he planted
On your waiting lips.

Can I say "sorry" now?
Now, when the world has changed?
Now, when the dust has settled over the quake-hit town
and fresh blood has flown
Through the same old cities?

Can I wipe away
the curse that issued
From my parched lips of yesterday?
Does it matter now?

Instead of comment on a peice called "Envy"

It was true and beautiful like the nature itself
I might have guessed: it was not forever,
But I could not resist loving that beauty
You know he was too beautiful to be unloved.
Didn’t he say ‘love you till eternity’…?

You taught me not to be scared of passion,
I recall I score the highest in exam?
And more…I threatened others becoming one!
You know I was giddy with love
of yours, of his, of the whole world…
It pour on me like the same monsoon rains splash?
From the moment I stepped into your door…
Didn’t it?

It was later, when
I saw your tired eyes, I did.
I even read your curse through the door, you wouldn’t open,
but never disappointment.
I felt something was wrong, but never thought.
You know, drunk that I was, with a blind love
for a man… it didn’t let me to...
“It” doesn’t let you be sober most of the time
Does it?

But I always felt: whatever happens,
You will not stop loving me.
- A confidence resembling a belief in parental love.
You knew I fell asleep with your notes on my hand,
- Pink, sometimes yellow scraps of paper stuck on my door
Didn’t you?

Than,
You left, he did too, than, I had to.
A long-time healing wound …
with shape of a triangle remained.
Didn’t it?

My dear scar...
Carved by hands of an old experienced surgeon
which teaches a world, crashing another one.

Game

we are playing games right now
Do you need me more? do i need you more?
we both know...
it is a game that we play.

you think, you win...
when you keep away
And, don't hurt yourselves.
and,i admit, i lose.

i think,i win.
when i delete you from my contacts
and, stop waiting for you calls.
and, i see you admitting my vicitory.

but, darling...
we both lose anyway.
as a hurt singer sang, long ago...
the match was fixed...

Hide and Seek

he rings the bell...and hides,
to see my fear mingled with surprise.
testing whether i can take his sudden surprises in my life
whether he can knock my door and leave without a trace
and, i can take his disappearance well...
or, whether i can bear his sudden closeness.

A Parting of Sorts

We parted ways,
In quite a dramatic way.
to hide the drama
He just walked away.
I had my backed turned,
As casual as possible.
As if it is an everyday parting.
Or, ours was only a casual meeting.
"Nice to meet you" was uttered
Even more casually.
And, no reply was given!

Signs of Love

When in love,
you start looking for signs
to see your loved one,
Who is absent...
your brain becomes so active
in scanning for footsteps left unawares
a perfume which only you and he knows
an innocently parked vehicle
a complex telephone number which you byheart in no time

When in love...
you are always getting premonintions
An engaged telephone
Sends you the shivers...
that it will not work out
A locked door will mean that you are locked out of a life.
one single, cold look could mean death itself.

Diellema

"I want to be close to you." He said.
We both had traversed,
the difficult distances,
of unscalable mountains in no time.
We had swum
Through dangerous oceans
Without drowning
Me from one end, he from the other -
We both wanted more and more and more
Closeness.
But then
We encountered the glass wall
And realized we could either go forward...
For that we had to break something -
Break the fragile glass between us violently
And pretend to come together in the blood of our mutual passion.
Or else...turn back and leave...
Softly, closing the door behind.

Secret Love in Public Places

He had a naughty wink
Like sharing a secret with me
Like bonding with me, without letting the world know
A smile which I had never noticed before.
A light touch when I passed the glass to him...

Homosapiens

We had climbed up the hill.
Eager travellers, lovers.
Gazed at the sparkling city
Above and below.
Thought we were gods
Strayed into this world,
Darling, remember
It was night
And we couln't see each other clearly
It was a moonlight night
Of wonders and surprises
Yes, we actually drank deep from a mirage
But, never quenched our thirst.

It is bright sunlight now
And we are back in our lonely rooms
Enclosed four walls
Which reeks of human sweat and craving
Desparate clutchings which never yield

After all we are just animals
Biological name -
Homosapiens.

Death of Pain

She was the proud mother
Like the hard tree
Suddenly surprised,
Overwhelmed
By the appearance of tender leaves
All over itself,
She was swept off her feet
By the new birth.

She cuddled the baby
Held it close to her
She had felt it pulsating
Growing inside her,
Filling her whole being
With nothing else
But itself,
Smothering her,
Rending her apart,
Tearing her flesh into shreds,
Anointing her with pure, sacred blood.

She clutched at it,
Esctatic in her agony,
Proud of her pain.
She clung to it,
Adamantly believing in past springs
When she could no longer do so in winter.
She held onto the dead body,
Carrying it proudly
Waving it like a flag,
Loud advertisment of pain.

But the dead body shrivelled,
Decayed,
Changed its chemistry of appearances
From greenness to emptiness,
And one day,
She realized the death of pain as well.
Shattered,
Leaving the ashes,
She emerged,
With a bowed head,

Humble.

End of Love

We filled our silences
With words-
The weather, other people,
War and the woman who came to beg.
We filled our words
With silences.
That rattling silence
About the pain of laughing
Being normal and easy
When lips were twitching
Hands shaking
And memories,
Flashing,flashing, weighing

We were very clever dear,
No one else would guess
That we had a festering wound
That had bloodied our words
They were so nice and smooth,
Elegant as polished china
Holding cooked meat.

Meticulously we kept out
The hungry beast aside,
Temptation to just flash
A sharp, hurting word at the other.
To drive it into the soft flesh,
Just a little,
And feel the thrill of yielding flesh,
And then give way to it
And then drive deeper and deeper,
Till we both cried together,
In sheer esctacy of
Binding pain, drawn blood,

But no...
We kept off.
We parted,
With curt goodbyes
Like perfect strangers parting
Cordially,
With just a twitch of a lip corner
Which only you and I would notice.

Futile Waiting

The sound of boots
On the polished floor
Trampling on a lonely girl's
Beating heart
Into flutters of excitement
Approaching, receding
And then...

Dying.

Intimately Desparate

Time stands unruffled
In my cloisterd room
Into this still pond
You enter, stealthily,
Touch, as cold as an icepiece,
Distant, yet all encompassing
Your face, a mask of unknown feelings
Yet, we touch intimately...

Almost like lovers!

Touch, Skin-Deep

A touch is
Written desire
Desire of loneliness
Crying out like
A wild animal caged
Desire of the ancient forests
And their great fires
Desire to know this
Mystery universe
Through another's lonely desire.
A touch, my darling,
Is precious.

But,
After all
A touch is one skin contacting another.
It is skin-deep,as they say,
The waves of friction
When skin swims on skin.
it desires nothing but forgetting.