Envy

I had cursed you...
I had cursed that golden evening light
That fell on your joy of being together.
I had cursed
That look of love that crossed your starry eyes
When he came as a night visitor.

Waiting in the lonely darkness
of the security gaurd's room,
I saw you both drifting past
Unaware of me, unaware of the world,
Unaware of my curse.

Exiled by your joys to my faraway homeland,
I watched the monsoon rains splash
Into my heart,
Searing those open wounds.

I could see the distant earthquake
rock my little world with
just a single kiss he planted
On your waiting lips.

Can I say "sorry" now?
Now, when the world has changed?
Now, when the dust has settled over the quake-hit town
and fresh blood has flown
Through the same old cities?

Can I wipe away
the curse that issued
From my parched lips of yesterday?
Does it matter now?

Instead of comment on a peice called "Envy"

It was true and beautiful like the nature itself
I might have guessed: it was not forever,
But I could not resist loving that beauty
You know he was too beautiful to be unloved.
Didn’t he say ‘love you till eternity’…?

You taught me not to be scared of passion,
I recall I score the highest in exam?
And more…I threatened others becoming one!
You know I was giddy with love
of yours, of his, of the whole world…
It pour on me like the same monsoon rains splash?
From the moment I stepped into your door…
Didn’t it?

It was later, when
I saw your tired eyes, I did.
I even read your curse through the door, you wouldn’t open,
but never disappointment.
I felt something was wrong, but never thought.
You know, drunk that I was, with a blind love
for a man… it didn’t let me to...
“It” doesn’t let you be sober most of the time
Does it?

But I always felt: whatever happens,
You will not stop loving me.
- A confidence resembling a belief in parental love.
You knew I fell asleep with your notes on my hand,
- Pink, sometimes yellow scraps of paper stuck on my door
Didn’t you?

Than,
You left, he did too, than, I had to.
A long-time healing wound …
with shape of a triangle remained.
Didn’t it?

My dear scar...
Carved by hands of an old experienced surgeon
which teaches a world, crashing another one.

Game

we are playing games right now
Do you need me more? do i need you more?
we both know...
it is a game that we play.

you think, you win...
when you keep away
And, don't hurt yourselves.
and,i admit, i lose.

i think,i win.
when i delete you from my contacts
and, stop waiting for you calls.
and, i see you admitting my vicitory.

but, darling...
we both lose anyway.
as a hurt singer sang, long ago...
the match was fixed...

Hide and Seek

he rings the bell...and hides,
to see my fear mingled with surprise.
testing whether i can take his sudden surprises in my life
whether he can knock my door and leave without a trace
and, i can take his disappearance well...
or, whether i can bear his sudden closeness.

A Parting of Sorts

We parted ways,
In quite a dramatic way.
to hide the drama
He just walked away.
I had my backed turned,
As casual as possible.
As if it is an everyday parting.
Or, ours was only a casual meeting.
"Nice to meet you" was uttered
Even more casually.
And, no reply was given!

Signs of Love

When in love,
you start looking for signs
to see your loved one,
Who is absent...
your brain becomes so active
in scanning for footsteps left unawares
a perfume which only you and he knows
an innocently parked vehicle
a complex telephone number which you byheart in no time

When in love...
you are always getting premonintions
An engaged telephone
Sends you the shivers...
that it will not work out
A locked door will mean that you are locked out of a life.
one single, cold look could mean death itself.

Diellema

"I want to be close to you." He said.
We both had traversed,
the difficult distances,
of unscalable mountains in no time.
We had swum
Through dangerous oceans
Without drowning
Me from one end, he from the other -
We both wanted more and more and more
Closeness.
But then
We encountered the glass wall
And realized we could either go forward...
For that we had to break something -
Break the fragile glass between us violently
And pretend to come together in the blood of our mutual passion.
Or else...turn back and leave...
Softly, closing the door behind.

Secret Love in Public Places

He had a naughty wink
Like sharing a secret with me
Like bonding with me, without letting the world know
A smile which I had never noticed before.
A light touch when I passed the glass to him...

Homosapiens

We had climbed up the hill.
Eager travellers, lovers.
Gazed at the sparkling city
Above and below.
Thought we were gods
Strayed into this world,
Darling, remember
It was night
And we couln't see each other clearly
It was a moonlight night
Of wonders and surprises
Yes, we actually drank deep from a mirage
But, never quenched our thirst.

It is bright sunlight now
And we are back in our lonely rooms
Enclosed four walls
Which reeks of human sweat and craving
Desparate clutchings which never yield

After all we are just animals
Biological name -
Homosapiens.

Veins of a Grass Flower

She walks with windy steps
Collecting all the colour around her.
She steps by to see
The tiny veins of the one-petal lotus,
Which we trample along,
Laughing loudly at her unceasing witticisms,
Dark, pathetic and rich with sorrow
Yet strangely amusing
That we laugh till our sides ache
And love her still more for it.

To My Grandmother

I go down to sleep with grandmother
Frail with age, a web of wrinkles
I can't bear to think of old age sleeping alone,
Compainonless.
And, she can't bear to think of my lusty youth sleeping alone,
Companionless.
I go and hold her matchstick hands
Which feebly encircle me
I hold on to time,
Feeling the sea snatching the sand under our feet.

Saint John

Magic light hour in the hills,
People, tiny and sluggish,
But suddenly bathed in generous, gold light,
Your dark face bronzed by the setting sun,
Your hair,flowing like a river
Eyes, fastened to the dying god's face
Our moment of togetherness...
Only we existed, only we...
The grand performance ,
Luxury and splendour of a whole universe
Unfurled for just two measly souls
Tired, bruised, still laughing hard desparately,
Like a peasant in a king's party
Trying hard to hide the tear in her clothes
But,
Breaking the moment, yet capturing it
With one swift blow,
You pointed to the setting sun and said:
'That bastard is in full form today.'

Death of Pain

She was the proud mother
Like the hard tree
Suddenly surprised,
Overwhelmed
By the appearance of tender leaves
All over itself,
She was swept off her feet
By the new birth.

She cuddled the baby
Held it close to her
She had felt it pulsating
Growing inside her,
Filling her whole being
With nothing else
But itself,
Smothering her,
Rending her apart,
Tearing her flesh into shreds,
Anointing her with pure, sacred blood.

She clutched at it,
Esctatic in her agony,
Proud of her pain.
She clung to it,
Adamantly believing in past springs
When she could no longer do so in winter.
She held onto the dead body,
Carrying it proudly
Waving it like a flag,
Loud advertisment of pain.

But the dead body shrivelled,
Decayed,
Changed its chemistry of appearances
From greenness to emptiness,
And one day,
She realized the death of pain as well.
Shattered,
Leaving the ashes,
She emerged,
With a bowed head,

Humble.

End of Love

We filled our silences
With words-
The weather, other people,
War and the woman who came to beg.
We filled our words
With silences.
That rattling silence
About the pain of laughing
Being normal and easy
When lips were twitching
Hands shaking
And memories,
Flashing,flashing, weighing

We were very clever dear,
No one else would guess
That we had a festering wound
That had bloodied our words
They were so nice and smooth,
Elegant as polished china
Holding cooked meat.

Meticulously we kept out
The hungry beast aside,
Temptation to just flash
A sharp, hurting word at the other.
To drive it into the soft flesh,
Just a little,
And feel the thrill of yielding flesh,
And then give way to it
And then drive deeper and deeper,
Till we both cried together,
In sheer esctacy of
Binding pain, drawn blood,

But no...
We kept off.
We parted,
With curt goodbyes
Like perfect strangers parting
Cordially,
With just a twitch of a lip corner
Which only you and I would notice.

Futile Waiting

The sound of boots
On the polished floor
Trampling on a lonely girl's
Beating heart
Into flutters of excitement
Approaching, receding
And then...

Dying.

Intimately Desparate

Time stands unruffled
In my cloisterd room
Into this still pond
You enter, stealthily,
Touch, as cold as an icepiece,
Distant, yet all encompassing
Your face, a mask of unknown feelings
Yet, we touch intimately...

Almost like lovers!

Touch, Skin-Deep

A touch is
Written desire
Desire of loneliness
Crying out like
A wild animal caged
Desire of the ancient forests
And their great fires
Desire to know this
Mystery universe
Through another's lonely desire.
A touch, my darling,
Is precious.

But,
After all
A touch is one skin contacting another.
It is skin-deep,as they say,
The waves of friction
When skin swims on skin.
it desires nothing but forgetting.

For a Friend

Your one-petal lotus
Hidden in ordinary grass.
Should I thank you, dear
For pointing to my steps
Trampling tiny veins of soft pink?

Adolecent Refusing Fantasy

I don't need you tonight
Familiar matinee idol
To spring suddenly to life
From a two-dimensional glossy poster
And press yourselves into
My sterile dreams
To rake it up,stir its muddy depths
And then put me to a drugged sleep.
No, tonight let me be fully awake.
And listen to the roar of the great wind outside.
My small closed room
Where life stands still
like stagnant water.

Don Juan Speaks to Woman

It was years ago
That I lost my name.

Caught in the midst of mad, young lust
A mere child, a weakling
Their little brother.
The garage door which slammed before me
Along with all the roads my young, male body would have taken.
The humiliation of rape on a frail, young body.

'Woman, you and me are one.' speaks a crushed boy mind
Fear, blood, gasps for a little air
Penetrating erections of sharp, male lusts.
I want air, clean, clean,clean...

Woman, I clutch you, I cling to you, then gasp,puke,
Vomit, vomit, vomit...
Then I leave you
For another clutching, another clinging,
another gasping, another puking.
'Woman.' I cry.'I don't want to be you.'

Yes, now i have a name,
A neat name.

'Thankyou'

You thanked her
For a night of unexpected love.
'Thanks' for what?
For being a 'sister of mercy?'
Who opened up at the first knock
Unfurled her full body
To your lust
Generously showered her passion on you
And stopped caressing you
when you were spent on her?
Dear wanderer, beggar?
'Thanks' for all that?

Love or Lust?

Wild before us
Rose the magic land
Of mystery and body.
Maenads rose out of water
Covered in seaweeds
Fragrance of slimy earth
And fertile sea beds,
Murmurs from closed rooms
Of frustrated women
Vanish like wiped out alphabets
The earth becomes
A shower of gems in the moonlight
Glitter, sparkle, fragrance, music and silence...
Perhaps dear...
I did know lust!

Devastated

Experienced man,
I am a proud woman,
I will not show that
I am defeated.
I will march with flags
Of victory.
Fluttering displays of
Detachment, Forgetting,
Exuding pure pleasure.
Never turning back
Marching like other proud women.
But dear...
i am vanquished, defeated, crawling,
I only have a flag of
Useless detachment
I am helpless and crying
Like a child.